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Every time I think that I've finally reached a point where things are on the up and up, life throws a wrench in the gears.  It feels kind of like missing the bottom step and your stomach lurches as your smooth transition turns into momentary panic before you regain your equilibrium.  Maybe.  There's not many great analogies for when things just seem to happen.  Honestly, I'm still optimistic.  These minor setbacks in my plan for life are nothing like the disaster from a year ago.  I am tired though.  It feels like ever since I turned 22, I've been on a timer.  The biggest sources of stress in my life are the setbacks that feel like wasted time and effort.  Work, family, dating, and personal failures.  They all add up.  

I am really envious of the people who seem to have most of their life figured out.  Happy couples who go to work or raise their kids day in and day out and have reached that plateau of lifelong success.  I wish that I was at a point where I feel like I'm coasting on a downhill instead of accelerating uphill.  Maybe one of these days, one thing will click into place and everything else will follow suit.
  • Listening to: Clear The Air by Off With Their Heads
  • Reading: The Last Mortal Bond
So I've been in a relationship pretty much nonstop from March 2010 until January 2016.  I've been pretty messed up since then.  I realize that after being single for these last 10 months or so that I don't like it. I don't like not having someone to intimately share my life with.  I don't like being alone.  But I've never really dated and trying to now is more difficult than I imagined.  The last two women I've been with just kind of happened and things turned serious quickly.  To top it off though, I don't think I'm truly over my ex.  I would have been happy to spend the rest of my life with her but she had other plans.  At this point, I find myself making constant comparisons to her memory.  I find myself insecure.  I don't have the confidence or the know how to approach women.  I'm not a fan of dating and honestly, a vast majority of women seem to be in a constant state of false superiority.  They're always looking for that something better.  There is no present satisfaction or chances given because they have so many choices.  

This may be a slightly jaded view.  I know that I have a lot to offer anyone I'm with.  I don't like trying to prove it though.  With my ex, it felt like I was always coming 90 but she still struggled to come 10. I don't mind taking up the slack.  But is expecting to get as much as I give too much? It doesn't seem to matter at this point because I'm yet to get that far with anyone new.  I'm just ready for someone to want to be with me as much as I want to be with them.  
  • Listening to: On Hold by The xx
  • Reading: City of Blades
Words have power.  They may be one of the most powerful things in the world. We use them to tell the truth.  We use them to lie.  We use them to inform.  We use them to entertain.  We use words to bring out the best in people and at the same time, we use them to bring out the worst.  They're not always easy to wield but they are always easy to spread.  

I'm stuck thinking of that phrase, "A man's Word is his bond."  It is easy to lose sight of the fact that the aforementioned "Word" is an allusion to honor.  It's a companion to the phrase, "A man is only as good as his Word."  It alludes to the same thing and divests a sense of truth or honesty to the person.  It calls into account a person's past and whether or not his "Word" is worth believing.  It's a foundation for a person's character to be stood upon and inspected.  

I wonder about this now because I look into my past and realize that the word is strong but it is also fragile.  It turns out that one lying word in a sea of truths has the power to poison all of it.  It turns out that this is a one way trick.  It always only works in the negative direction.  We say sweet words and lie to ourselves constantly.  We are often afraid of the truth.  We are more comfortable in our made up illusions.  The power of the word empowers us as it weakens us.  

I've been lied to.  I've been told hard truths that I wished were lies.  I've told myself lies and said false words that made me feel better.  I've lied to others and lived with the impact of those statements.  I think we all have.  I just wish now that the words that have hurt me and hurt others were as powerful as the ones that buoyed me.
  • Listening to: Rise Against
  • Reading: Empire of Storms by Sarah Maas
So life has a lot of twists and turns that we could never really account for.  There are things out of our control that still have a heavy impact on our lives.  There are riddles that don't have answers and there are answers to questions we never asked.  There are unforeseen consequences and there are actions without reason behind them.  I moved across the country.  I left Washington and went back to the Midwest for a girl.  This turned out to be a mistake.  I took it as a lesson learned and I dealt with the unforeseen consequences.  I'm back in the Pacific Northwest now.  It's been two and a half years.  I wasn't supposed to be alone when I did this.  There was a plan and a special someone who was supposed to be by my side.  Her absence is still a riddle without an answer and I've long ago given up trying to find that answer.  Here I am anyways.  Following through with my plans like I always do.  Welcome to Portland, Oregon.  Welcome to a life working with Intel.  Welcome to succeeding again even though my world kind of fell apart around me for a few months.  Life goes on.  It's a hard lesson to learn but I think that after this last time, it is a lesson I will take to heart.  I'm feeling the loneliness tonight but I am happy here.  I'm finally where I want to be.  I'm finally at a point where I think I can settle.  I'm going to keep moving forward with my life and hopefully make new friends and find new love along the way.  The road ahead is longer than the road I've left behind but every mile I've walked is making the next mile easier.
  • Listening to: Crystalised - The xx
  • Reading: The Sorcerer's Daughter by Terry Brooks
  • Watching: Now You See Me 2
  • Playing: Rocket League
This is a quote from Peter pan.  When I was younger, I used to wonder what Barrie meant by this.  I think that I am finally starting to understand.  Some of us(humans) have a fascination with the unknown.  An unquenchable thirst for knowledge.  We never stop exploring the world around us and we never stop wondering what's next.  We find solace for our restless spirits in new experiences.  I think most of us that are like this have asked ourselves at one point or another what's behind Death's door.  Most of us also aren't quite through with life's adventures yet though.  But when we are, we hope that there is a worthwhile adventure on the other side.
  • Listening to: Take Me Up - Coleman Hell
  • Reading: The Dagger of Adendigath
  • Playing: Rocket League
As you get older, this day expands to encompass more and more people.  As a kid, you've got mom and maybe your grandmother.  As a teen, you've got them and maybe your significant other's mom.  As an adult, you have your mom, grandmother, sister, wife, her mom, and various friends.  It never takes away from your own mother though.  She will always hold that place in your heart and won't ever give it up.  There is no substitute.  

A week or so ago, I got into the worst fight I've ever had with my mother.  We came to the point of not speaking to each other for days on end.  The truth is, it all turned out to be petty.  We said things we meant but that we still regretted saying.  They may have needed to be said at the time but in retrospect, they could have been approached differently.  But being a mother and son, we've moved past it.  We've swept it under the carpet and forgave each other even if we didn't forget.  That's what family does most of the time.

Six months ago, there was this grand plan to have my mom, my significant other, and her family to all move into the same place.  I was excited to have a big family to live with again.  The loneliness you feel when you're hundreds of miles away from your immediate family is intense.  It's something that no matter how long I've done it for, I've never really come to terms with it.  I was excited to have my family living close to me again and to have her family living close by.  I was excited to have that be a part of my life again.  This isn't the case anymore.  It will be just me and my mom most likely.  It makes me kind of sad. I was hoping to have a big family again.  To have people to share life with.  Life goes on and maybe someday that will be a reality.  I really hope it is so.
  • Listening to: War - James Horner
  • Reading: An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness
  • Watching: Legend of Korra
  • Playing: Overwatch
School is finished.  For now.  Maybe forever.  After this semester, I don't know if I can convince myself to go back.  I let everything go and really just scraped by.  Too proud to fail completely but too despondent to care about my GPA.  I'm taking next year off to try and refocus myself and my life.
  • Listening to: The Lines - Beartooth
  • Reading: An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness
  • Watching: Avatar: Legend of Korra - Season 1
  • Playing: Overwatch
Just follow what you’re feeling for
If you don’t know what you’re looking for
Just follow what you feel, Just follow what you feel

Life tends to have too many what ifs.  They get dropped every time we think of making a decision.  They're the inhibitions, the regrets, the fears.  They are the avenues to possibilities that aren't going to happen because we didn't pursue them.  They're the chances we didn't take.  They get said because we fear that we said something or did something that makes backtracking to that path now impossible.  Honestly, in most cases, those paths are still possible.  Backing up is sometimes painful but sometimes the path we didn't take the first time is worth it.  Other times, we realize that we don't like this path that we're on and we might prefer the other direction.  All we have to do is swallow the pride that stops us from making our lives better.  Making our lives happier.  It isn't always easy.  But most of the time, it is probably worth it.
  • Listening to: Wishing Wells - The Colourist
  • Reading: An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness
  • Watching: Avatar: The Last Airbender - Season 3
  • Playing: Rocket League
There's a line in the sand between emotions and every thing in your life is a little wind to shift that line one way or another and put you closer to the edge or further away.  That is only for some of us though.  As I delve deeper into this book, the gentle breezes and stronger winds that alter the lines in my emotional behavior are nothing compared to the tempest and hurricanes and tornadoes that take place in others.  There may be lines in the sand somewhere but they are hidden out of sight and these people are being whipped around with nothing to tie them down.  Nothing to provide stability, nothing to protect themselves, nothing to hold that sand.  There is no control.  This book has given me, not a new perspective, but a deeper understanding of what these people deal with every day of their life.  The sacrifices they have to make to survive and the reasons or lack thereof for their actions.  These are the people you should respect because their struggle is greater than anything you will ever have to face.  Their life can be hell and death can be the preference.  They push and push and lay ruin to friendships, family, relationships, careers, etc.  Not because they mean to, but because there is no control sometimes.  These people that are still living and fighting to live need understanding and they need support.  Even if they don't think they do.  So help them if they will let you and help them if you can.  There is no comparison you can give that will equal what they have gone through.  
  • Listening to: Sick and Tired - Pasadena
  • Reading: An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness
  • Watching: Avatar: The Last Airbender - Season 3
  • Playing: Rocket League
Sometimes, I go through these small crazy periods where I tend to act impulsive.  I spend money, I go out, I do things I wouldn't do normally.  A lot of time, it is fun.  I say things I would normally filter and I react in ways that I don't quite understand after the fact.  I end up doing a lot of intro- and retrospection afterwards.  Like now.  I don't really consider myself a boring person all the time.  Being a normal introvert, I'm fine sitting at home and playing games or reading books.  I pursue my own interests and accomplish my life in quiet steps.  Every person has a point where they just need to escape the routine, I think.  Run for the hills and go out and be among people.  That's been me lately.  I enjoy people's company.  I enjoy watching people and their antics.  I enjoy being with friends and meeting some new people.  I may never be the full-blown party going type but I do socialize.  I like making people smile, I like causing feelings of happiness.  I like being impulsive and rash and a little crazy sometimes.  I like people who are like that in my life along with the more quiet types who just want to chill.  I write this now looking back at my impulsiveness for the last week or two.  I almost got in a fight over some guy being an asshole with a giant truck.  He almost ran me off the road because he refused to allow me to merge.  I fly through my classes at school and speak out about the subject.  I drifted my car for the first time on an on-ramp doing nearly 70 on a ramp meant to do 30.  That was exhilarating.  And incredibly dangerous.  Can't wait to do it again.  I've met a lot of new people in the last month or so and made some great friends.  I bought the Nexus 6P because I've wanted it for quite awhile and saw it was on sale and was like "Yep, this is mine."  I've been on a crash course to do all the things I've been subconsciously containing within me for the last few years.  I'm going to try and be a little more calm with things from now on.  I miss back right after high school where I was on Easy Street and just played video games, ate Burger King, and played Ultimate Frisbee.  But life isn't over yet.  Now I can do all those things and more with some work breaking up the days. So here's to being impulsive, here's to living life, and here's to memories made.  
  • Listening to: Ash and Ember - Augustana
  • Reading: An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness
  • Watching: Avatar: The Last Airbender - Season 3
  • Playing: Warframe
I discovered this song today and it's been stuck on repeat.  It's called Self-Conclusion by The Spill Canvas.  I don't have it on repeat because of the musical talent.  I have it on repeat because of how much I wish I could have wrote something like it.  It speaks to me in ways that only a few select songs ever really have.  I think it speaks to the deepest part of someone near the edge's being.  Another chance at life with someone else who almost threw it all away.  To anyone who has walked to the edge and looked over and was able to walk away, thank you for making that choice.  Some of us have made the choice to live more than once. Here are the lyrics to the song:

Fade in, start the scene
Enter beautiful girl
But things are not what they seem
As we stand at the edge of the world

"Excuse me, sir,
But I have plans to die tonight
Oh, and you are directly in my way
And I bet you're gonna say it's not right"
My reply:
"Excuse me, miss
But do you have the slightest clue
Of exactly what you just said to me
And exactly who you're talking to?"

She said, "I don't care, you don't even know me"
I said, "I know but I'd like to change that soon, hopefully"
Yeah, we all flirt with the tiniest notion
Of self conclusion in one simplified motion
You see the trick is that you're never supposed to act on it
No matter how unbearable this misery gets

"You make it sound so easy to be alive
But tell me, how am I supposed to seize this day
When everything inside me has died?"
My reply:
"Trust me, girl
I know your legs are pleading to leap
But I offer you this easy choice-
Instead of dying, living with me"

She said, "Are you crazy? You don't even know me."
I said, "I know, but I'd like to change that soon hopefully"
Yeah, we all flirt with the tiniest notion
Of self conclusion in one simplified motion
You see the trick is that you're never supposed to act on it
No matter how unbearable this misery gets

I would be lying if I said that things would never get rough
And all this cliche motivation, it could never be enough
I could stand here all night trying to convince you
But what good would that do?
My offer stands, and you must choose

"All right, you win, but I only give you one night
To prove yourself to be better than my attempt at flight
I swear to god if you hurt me I will leap
I will toss myself from these very cliffs
And you'll never see it coming"
"Settle, precious, I know what you're going through
Just ten minutes before you got here I was gonna jump too"

Yeah we all flirt with the tiniest notion
Of self conclusion in one simplified motion
You see the trick is that you're never supposed act on it
No matter how unbearable this misery gets

If you ever need someone to talk to and calm you down, don't be afraid to reach out.  Others have been in your position and survived.  Life is full of uncertainties but you can be certain that many have made the choice you face.  Live with me.  

  • Listening to: Self-Conclusion - The Spill Canvas
  • Reading: An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness
  • Eating: Taco Bell
I remember the old days.  I look back and think of how easy life was then.  Then I realize that it wasn't.  I just have photographs of all the happy times.  The adventurous times.  Traveling cross-country, coming home and seeing my friends and family on leave, traveling the world.  These were the good times.  I still never think to grab the camera when I'm not happy.  These memories are bittersweet.  Maybe life was simpler and maybe not.  I may look back in a few years and think things are simpler now than they were in the past.  I may not.  I don't have many regrets about the past.  I was happy when the opportunity presented itself and miserable when life reared it's ugly side.  I lived, loved, and lost.  I sacrificed and gained.  I kept moving forward.  It's easy to see life in retrospect.  All of your decisions laid bare and the consequences already long past.  Choices that could have went differently.  I used to regret a lot of my choices.  I think it's a sign of maturing that I don't anymore.  I am the person I am today because of what I've been through and the choices I've made.  I'm happy with who that person is and who that person will be.  Perhaps I will think differently in the future.  Perhaps not.  Life works in mysterious ways and there is no real predicting it.  You just go with the flow and hope for the best sometimes.  I'm reading a book that I should have read a couple years ago.  Reading it then wouldn't have changed anything just like reading it now doesn't change anything.  I just like to try and understand the world around me.  I like to understand the people and the places and all the things that happen.  The old days...  they made good memories and it amazes me that despite all the crazy bad things that happened between the good memories, I still remember the good shining through.  Happy thoughts.
  • Listening to: If It Means A Lot to You - ADTR
  • Reading: An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness
What's another night on Mars?
With friends like ours
Anywhere is home

I used to think I listened to music to entertain me and to help me out when I’m in a mood.  I didn’t really start LISTENING to music until a couple years ago.  I started paying attention to lyrics and melodies.  I started paying attention to the different instruments and the amazing feats of them coming together to develop a sound.  I looked deeper into songs to search for my own meaning in them and seeing more and more relation to how I felt in a certain situation.  I’ve had a song that was a favorite for years and never really grasped what it was talking about until very recently.  I feel like I have missed out on so much in life because I wasn’t paying enough attention to the fine details.  I’ve recently taken a renewed interest in music.  I’ve taken it upon myself to learn piano (It’s going very slowly, I need better dedication).  I’ve also been told that I sing terribly and so was never really encouraged to try.  A friend of mine kind of changed that.  She’s been pushing me to work on things I like to do and encouraging me to sing and learn how to sing better.  I may not be good, but I’m not ashamed.  Eventually, I’ll accomplish what I can in music.  Maybe even more than I think I can.  

Maybe depressing thoughts are in the air.  Maybe I've just had this locked away too long.  I never talk about it and thinking about it is difficult.  

My mom spent the better part of a year being homeless.  She spent the better part of a year sleeping in her car or in a tent out in the woods.  She's watched a bear tear through her camp from the confines of her car.  Life wasn't easy but she kept at it. Trying to get her feet under her so she could get a job and a place to live.  She failed.  I was back home when she finally came home herself.  I'd never been so frightened as when she came through the door.  Her eyes and cheeks were sunken in. Her face was stretched across her bones. She looked almost skeletal.  When I gave her a hug, there was nothing to her. I could feel her spine poking out of her back and her  collar bones in sharp definition.  The look in her eyes is what frightened me the most.  The pain, the sadness, the look of utter defeat, the wildness.  My mom has never been what you would call successful. She never aspired to greater heights. But she was intelligent, determined, and proud.  The look I saw in her eyes was that of an animal.  She looked like prey and we were the hunters.  Her eyes darted back and forth and blinked too often.  Her mannerisms weren't much better.  Taciturn, withdrawn, flighty.  Motions kind of jerky. No focus.  I was frightened that day.  I still haven't spoken to her about it. She's okay now but I can't help but to wonder how much longer she would have lasted on her own.

Fast forward about 6 months.  My dad isn't in much better shape.  He's been sick for a couple weeks.  It's Christmas time.  The whole family is upstairs eating dinner and socializing.  Dad is quiet. Looks under the weather.  As the Christmas party picks up, dad retreats back to his room in the basement.  I go down and try to cheer him up after awhile. My sister follows me.  We get down there and he is laying on his bed.  He looks utterly exhausted.  We talk to him and he kind of perks up a little. He gets a little animated and some color returns to his cheeks.  It's about time for me to go and he makes to follow us back upstairs to see me off.  We get to the bottom of the stairs and I turn around and see him retreating back to his room, his legs wobbly.  I follow him and watch him collapse into his chair.  His weakness scares me.  I talk to him about going to see a doctor and ask him if he needs any medicine.  He just shakes his head, no strength to speak.  I sit with him for awhile until he got some energy back.  I give him a hug goodbye and give him an encouraging smile. I school my face into a less sad expression and go back upstairs. Dad lays on his bed and the only sign he's alive is his chest rising and falling. I talk to my sister about getting him to a doctor and she promised she would try.  It's hard to see him this weak and sick.  My fondest memories of him in the dojo teaching class and throwing people around the room in demonstration.  Strong and charismatic.  In control and in his element.  He's a little better now but still sick off and on.  His life of alcoholism taking it's toll on him.   He still hasn't seen a doctor and I'm worried about him.  I don't know what else we can do for him.

I guess that I'm just faced with worrying about mortality.  I'm worried about my grandmas and my parents.  I'm worried about how my family will change without them. I worry about having to step in to hold my family together on my mom's side and to be strong enough for my dad's side.  I worry about how I will react and wonder if I'll ever be happy again.  I wonder at the future and how much time I have until I have to find those things out.  I hope it is longer than I think.
Gotta go and take the test
Fall in line like all the rest
We are just nails in the wall
Trying not to watch the hammer fall

We stick out, we get nailed
We get it wrong, we have failed
Our fragile minds a cup
Spilling our guts if we fuck up

The pressure is always real
Sometimes, it's all we feel
Sometimes, all we do is cower
Sometimes, we use it to empower
We lay in the field under the old apple tree. Our blanket surrounded by the apples we cleared away.  We laugh and smile and lay together just enjoying the perfectness of life.  The skies are blue and a gentle breeze trails across our skin on its way to parts unknown.  My hand is on her hip as we lay facing each other and staring into one another's eyes.  I lean in to kiss her and right as our lips are about to meet, the loudest crack I have ever heard sounds above our heads.  The apple tree we have spent so many afternoons under erupts into flames.  Branches fall and I cover her with my body.  I can see that she is screaming but I can't hear it over the ringing in my ears.  I push myself off her and push the branches that fell away from us.  I pull her up and we look into the black skies that approached from the other direction.  The rolling thunder shakes the ground we stand upon and we stare into the face of a terrible storm.  We see the rain wall moving towards us across the field.  It flattens the crops and shakes the trees.  We're both in shock from the lightning strike and stare numbly at the approaching fury.  Finally, another lightning strike shakes us out of our stupor.  I grab her arm and we begin to run away from the storm.  I look back repeatedly and push us on to more speed.  The rain wall is much closer now and we can hear the fury of the water beating against the ground.  I look back and trip on a broken branch and sprawl face first onto the trail.  She stops to pick me up.  The rain wall washes over us.  We're soaked through in seconds.  We continue to run but it gets harder.  Our clothes cling to us and we can hardly see through the heavy downpour as we sprint for cover.  The nearest barn is hundreds of yards away.  We sprint blindly through the field veering around trees and dodging holes in the path.  Lightning flashes all around us and thunder shakes us to our bones.  I know she is terrified of storms.  I feel like an idiot for not paying better attention.  We gain the barn finally and huddle down as the walls rattle around us.  I cup her face in my hands and look into her eyes and reassure her.  We're safe now.  We're fine.  She starts to calm down and the frantic look in her eyes lessens.  As her breathing evens out, I peek outside and fall back in horror.  I run to the other side of the barn and peek out.  I tell her that we have to go.  She asks me why.  I tell her that we need to run and keep running.  Despite the downpour, the lightning strikes have lit the hillside on fire and it is burning its way towards the barn.  She gets a look of determination on her face and nods.  We make a run for it.
She walks down the path through the trees.  Passing through glades and small rivulets of water dancing their way across the ground.  A slight breeze stirs her long hair and pushes it back to caress her face.  Why is she here she wonders.  What drew her to this place?  As her hair waves in the wind, it runs through various shades of color.  From brown, to blonde, to red.  From red to pink and purple and even blue.  Her hair transforms through these hues, mesmerizing those who watch.  With the hair pushed back, her face comes into view.  She is beautiful to look upon. Perfect full lips coated in a faint pink paint, a nose that fits her eyes to perfection.  Those eyes.  Those eyes catch the light and shine green as the grass she walks across.  She is an exquisite creature and she is drawn ever onward.  As the wind blows by, she finally hears what has been calling to her.  Faint notes on the wind beckon her forward.  It is the sound of angels laughing and children playing.  It is the melody of a thousand dreams come true.  It is nirvana and heaven and the most beautiful tune she has ever heard.  Finally, the trees part before her and she comes upon the source of the song.  She walks into the clearing and smiles as she comes to understand.  She walks to the edge of the pool without ripples.  She looks down and sees the beauty staring back at her.  The song has quieted and a deep hush fills the area as nature holds her breath in anticipation.  The girl kneels next to the pool of water and caresses the cheek of her reflection.  She begins to sing again.
I sit down and close my eyes.  The park is quiet.  No birds, squirrels, or insects around the lone soul sitting in their den.  No cars, people, or wind rushing by.  The silence is deafening.  The leaves lay on the ground where they fell months ago.  The naked branches of the trees standing sentinel as my senses fade one by one.  The only noise I hear is my heart beating in my chest and my breath as it escapes from my mouth.  As my eyes close and relax, the world goes dark.  There is no sun, no moon, and no stars.  There is only the darkness.  As I fall deeper into myself, I no longer smell the wet dewy scent of a fresh rainfall in the forest.  I no longer smell the faint deodorant I put on those eight long hours ago.  I become desensitized completely and no longer feel the small wooden bench I am sitting on. I sit down and close my eyes.  I awaken the memories I came to find.

At first, there is nothing, there is only the void I have lowered myself into.  The blank space between mind, body, and soul.  The memory begins to trickle in.  This longest of days has not been so long as to have forgot anything that happened.  The pain from the memory spreads and lights my soul on fire.  I burn inside as I relive this most awful of times.  I soak in the pain and anguish I have been feeling since it happened.  I focus on the pain until my soul is a shattered remnant of what it was the day before.  I let it burn and burn.  I let it destroy who I am.  I let it destroy my hopes and my dreams.  I let it into the deepest recesses of my being and wipe it all away.  I let it wrap me in guilt and sorrow.  I wear these emotions as my cape and my mantle.  I cover myself in them. I cover myself so completely that I can never take them off.  I may be forgiven by them but I will never forgive myself.  I walk the lonely burnt down ruins of my soul wrapped in my emotions.  I search for anything not yet consumed.  I light what I find on fire.  This is the punishment.  A silent death of a still living body.  A soulless walking corpse.  A ruin of a man and a person.  Just as I ruined another.  Just as I ruined everything.  

Eight long hours ago.  I walked into our room and my world stopped turning.  I walked into our room to find you there.  Hanging. 
The blinker sounds 
The street lights rush by
Headlights in my eyes
Watching shadows on my dash

The stereo is playing
The lyrics, my soul
The bass, my heart
Watching shadows on my dash

Familiar landmarks
This place, my home
Temporary peace
Watching shadows on my dash

Straight lines to guide
Simple paths to follow
Speed is steady
Watching shadows on my dash

Lost in thought
Another time and place
Reaction without control
Watching shadows on my dash

One hand at twelve
The other in my lap
Tail lights in the distance
Watching shadows on my dash

The song changes
The reverie ends
The place has changed
Watching shadows on my dash
Does America actually care about France?  I don't think we care about the French in particular.  I do think, however, that we care about humanity.  We suffer from a mass desensitization of matters in the world at large.  We are fed garbage from the media.  We are fed garbage by our schools.  We are fed whatever we ask for like a petulant crying baby.  We are victims to click-bait and exploitation of this connected day and age.  PC culture and reality TV out rank real matters in the world.  The media uses its influence to spin whatever subject it wants to cause an uproar with.  The BlackLivesMatter movement followed by the outrage against the Confederate Flag and the massive outcry about gay rights and what rights were.  These are distractions.  Some of them matter but few of them actually address the actual issues they are about.  In the mean time, current events in the middle east are buried under bullshit and agreements that could rock the economic world are slid under the rug.  This is America.  This is disgusting.  The attack in Paris has been highly televised and talked about but hardly anyone pays attention to a large bombing that happened in Lebanon.  It takes an attack on this scale against a non-middle eastern country to garner our attention.  

There needs to be action.  Affirmative action.  There needs to be an escalation that the extremists can't hope to keep up with.  This may be an enemy and a type of war that we have never fought but we are the biggest meanest dog on the streets and the American people need to push for this action.  A swift strike of the hammer instead of the slight judicious posturing that has been the norm.  An all out offensive that the world hasn't seen since Vietnam or World War II.  This indiscriminate(or not) killing of innocents is unacceptable and needs to be stopped dead in its tracks.  No PC culture interference, no mercy, no leeway.  If there is one thing that this attack in Paris has shown, it is that the threat of ISIS is anything but 'contained'.  We don't need to 'contain' it.  We need to utterly destroy it and make it so painful that any extremist action such as this and others is unfathomable.  

The time for diplomacy and economic strong-arming is over.